romantic streams

A couple of years ago I was having coffee with a friend when I explained to him that I was only living for my future plans, leaving my present happiness entirely in the hands of things that had not yet eventuated. My plans and ambitions were the only things that made the present any good at all, and I was entirely convinced that that was enough. He looked at me as though I was incredibly peculiar, and I responded by vehemently arguing my position, that merely withstanding the present while not enjoying it at all was totally acceptable. Because of my misled, almost dangerous certainty that the future was going to be so good, the unpalatable present was of little importance. I was convinced. It wasn’t a great period of my life.
At the moment I’m in something of a limbo state of existence. I’m waiting to hear the result of an application I submitted for a job in France, all the while looking for jobs here, and changing my mind daily on what future studies I will undertake… Generally I have a few projects on the go at the one time, so along with conjecturing about my future I’m also trying to learn three languages at once (foolish, but I can’t settle on one!), to continue studying my own way, learn a bit of art history, write a long fiction piece, create scintillating lessons for my new student, and a few other things here and there. To be honest I’m not getting much accomplished because there’s too much going on, but I’m not bothered by this. My projects keep me happy as long as I spend a little bit of time focusing on one or some of them each day, and I’m excited by all of them.
Something that has changed for me recently in a big way is my approach to living, to the everyday, to moments and “me-time”. Because one of my quieter, underlying projects is to enjoy the time that I spend with myself. To cook well for myself, to go wandering about the city by myself for my own amusement, to read a lot, to slowly sip at my tea and enjoy it. Simple things. Somewhere along the way I realised that the present does matter, that it should be enjoyed. Romance exists in the everyday. And the sort of happiness that arrives in a moment doesn’t always require company. I find as well that when I do meet up with people I enjoy it more, I feel like I have more to talk about, and I feel calmer. These days are a lot happier – not because the future is bright, but because the present has a lot to offer and I’m open to it. While my plans for the future continue to motivate and inspire me, my daily plan is to live well.